February 1, 2009

The Sadder Side Of Life

You're Never Really Ready

My grandmother Elaine suffered from a mild heart attack that hit us all out of nowhere. She was hospitalized and on very rocky ground. She'd aspirated into her lungs and was suffering from pneumonia. The doctor's didn't think she'd make it and even had us all come in to say our goodbyes. This was more than a week ago. It was pretty much the worst night of my life.

We had the waiting room packed to capacity. Son's, Daughter's, Aunt's, Uncle's and a bazillion grandchildren from the age of 6 months to 35 years. It was moving to see and annoying for the medical staff to say the least. My grandmother like most grandmothers was the glue that kept us all together. I felt close to her. She'd treated me like I'd secretly always wished my own Mother had. I wasn't ready for any of this. Selfish but true.

She fought though and hard and eventually was moved out of the ICU, and all the scary tubes were nowhere to be found. She was awake again, breathing on her own, lucid, talking and cracking smiles and passing out hugs. I thought this meant she was safe again. I wasn't worried or the least bit scared. Things were better! We could all relax again.

Two days later she passed. We're all devastated, me entirely, but I am glad that we all had one more chance to give her a hug, tell her it was good to see her again and that we loved her. These last two weeks have been one heck of a ride. I find myself randomly thinking of her and either smiling or crying or both. From the cheese sandwiches she used to make my brother and I as kids, her famous 7 layer bean dip she'd make when she knew I was coming over or the candy she'd sneak to my kiddos when I wasn't looking, the very same thing she'd do for me when I was their age.

I'll miss her like crazy and I'm thankful for all she taught me about life and of course for that little bit of extra time we all got to spend with her. I would have done it differently had I known, but wouldn't we all?

9 comments:

The Clever Kitty said...

So sorry for your loss, Beck. At least you will always have wonderful memories of her to cherish. ((hugs!))

LeaKarts said...

She sounds like a really amazing person. I am so sorry that you lost her.

nikki/WhiMSy love said...

So sorry Beck. Giant hugs to you.

Little Gray Pixel said...

My heart goes out to you. So sorry for your loss.

KatiesKreations said...

Beck, very sorry to hear about your loss...my thoughts are with you.

UrbanDesigns said...

Beck I am so sorry. Losing someone you love dearly is the most difficult thing in the world. I am thinking of you often, and sending you love. Let me know if there is anything that I can do.

AikoArt said...

So sorry for your loss. I completely understand. I lost my grandmother just this past Christmas Eve. It was so hard. She was walking & talking that morning. When I arrived around 1 pm, she was diminishing fast. She was able to look at me & know who I was, just in time to give me a huge hug. I was the last person she saw as she passed at 10:50pm in her home. I am so thankful to have had so many wonderful years with her as I know you must have had with your grandma too.
May we remember them for the extraordinary women they were & the life they gave us, for not for them, we would certainly not be here!

Jennie said...

My condolences go out to you and your family. The memories will probably continue to fill you with grief and joy for a long time...and then at some point you'll just think of her and smile in your heart for all of the love you shared. It has been over 15 years since my super special grandma passed, and I remember how bereft I felt just like it was yesterday. I still *talk* to her, though. She didn't live to see my child, but I like to think she's a guardian angel for my daughter.

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